Jesus Youth - a safe place to quarrel and get reconciled (BJRE064)


 Jesus Youth - a safe place to quarrel and get reconciled 

(By Dr. Edward Edezhath. Published in Kairos Magazine in 2023) 

"Quarreling is nothing unusual. If your families never fight, either you are angels or one of you is silently suffering." My talk in that family group was on 'Aspiring to be Mature JY Families.' I continued,” Maybe what is needed is to learn to quarrel nicely. I think I can give you some tips on that.’ The whole group laughed a lot, and from different corners of the room, they started asking me for 'tips on fighting effectively.'

Is it okay to disagree?

Later that day, in another group, we discussed the use of social media and the challenges faced by the younger generation. This topic led to some heated exchanges. When many agreed on a point, Rony took a very different view. However, others were not ready to accept his argument, and naturally, he reacted sharply. 

Many in the group were upset that Rony was derailing the smooth discussion, and some were trying to shut him down. I told myself he had a right to express himself, and others must listen patiently. He was upset and too loud because he felt he was not understood. 

At this point, I intervened in the discussion and asked Rony to explain and clarify his point. Naturally, someone else wanted to correct him, but I said, "Wait. Give him time to explain, and then, if you need clarity, ask him." With a bit of patience and a dose of compassion, the problem was solved!

What came to my mind were the words of Pope Francis in Christus Vivit: "Much of the longing present in the hearts of young people can be summed up in the word "restlessness" . . . Restless discontent, combined with exhilaration before the opening up of new horizons, generates a boldness that leads you to stand up and take responsibility for a mission." (138) Perhaps if we don't have quarreling individuals like Rony, no mission will sprout.

Belongingness is a gradual process.

Community life is a journey together, emerging from the heart. Many believe that unity and obedience are essential for building community. This is true. However, when people emphasize obedience excessively and silence those who express differing opinions, fear takes the place of unity. Only love and mercy can truly build community.

Interestingly, Jesus' idea of leadership was not rooted in blind obedience. He was not pleased with the worldly practice of "lording over" and "exercising authority" (Mt. 20:25), but instead wanted those in leadership to be humble servants. This concept is particularly relevant in times of conflict, where leaders should embody servants of mercy, using disputes to foster greater love and forgiveness. 

"You all lack spirit and only mislead people!" One of our long-standing group members once reacted angrily. Of course, my first responses were hurt and anger, and I wanted to argue with him. But I controlled myself and asked him, "Could you please explain?" My friendly tone helped him calm down, and we engaged in a friendly chat. Ultimately, we proceeded to pray for the group and work together to strengthen it. With a harsh tone, we would have fought, and the Lord's plan would have faltered. 

Teachers know that in the classroom, some students can become quite irritable and questioning. Some seem eager for a confrontation. If a teacher reacts rudely to these behaviors, even the well-behaved students may gradually distance themselves from that teacher. To cultivate a joyful classroom, a friendly home, or a vibrant Jesus Youth group, you must train yourself in compassionate listening, particularly towards those who are troubled. Every conflict should be seen through the lens of faith as an opportunity for greater tolerance and acceptance; only then can a loving community be built.

Places to teach positive quarreling.

These days, an abundance of disturbing news flows. Families are falling apart over minor differences. Arguments about political issues and religious beliefs lead to violent confrontations. Even killing someone over a disagreement has become alarmingly common. What is the critical issue here? People find it challenging to accept differing viewpoints, and we tend to insist that others should think like us. In short, intolerance toward differences is growing, especially among religious individuals.

Jesus urges us to "Love your enemies." Accepting difficult people, showing tolerance for differing opinions, and exercising patience with quarrelsome individuals are all small steps leading to the highest peak of love for enemies. The world is searching for Christians in the true likeness of Jesus who live a life of holiness while remaining kind and tolerant toward those who hurt and irritate them. The urgent need of the day is for places that provide Christian formation in tolerance, humility, and kindness.

A Jesus Youth community that meets and interacts regularly can be a suitable place to train people in active listening, positive argument, and loving reconciliation. What are some of the characteristics that help a JY group to form youth and families with this tolerant attitude?

- They meet regularly and are dedicated to staying together despite their differences.

- God experience and joyful prayer take center stage, resulting in continuous healing.

- Regular reflection on the Word of God shapes them in the Gospel values of humility and servant leadership.

- Dynamics here are not merely God-centered or leader-focused; they also emphasize each individual's needs and aspirations. This fosters numerous interactions and encourages openness.

When people argue fiercely in parish groups, diocesan forums, or even professional or political discussions, I have found the well-rounded formation from Jesus Youth to be very beneficial. If trained in listening and bridge-building, we can significantly contribute to reconciliation. Such conflicts are vital for revealing the truth and fostering understanding. Consequently, disagreements are unavoidable, but we can learn to engage in constructive conflict and move toward reconciliation. Indeed, a mature Jesus Youth plays a crucial role in guiding others in this Gospel mission.


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