Accompany them! Don’t push or control! (BJRE080)

Accompany them! Don’t push or control!

(By Dr. Edward Edezhath. Published in Kairos Magazine in 2024) 

Sophy is from a country in the Far East. I met her at an international gathering of Jesus Youth. “I have finished college and will start working soon. However, I want to remain active in youth ministry. Many people I know joined youth groups, but most have since stopped participating.” Her strong desire was to be different from them and to continue in the movement, growing within it. “I am convinced that Jesus Youth will be the best option for young people from our land and communities.” However, I was curious to learn why her friends stopped their ministry involvement. “You know, many of the youth leaders are quite pushy. Somehow, our youth cannot tolerate being forced to participate. They would rather just disappear.”

Freedom and respect are invaluable.

Her remarks prompted reflection. Indeed, many young people avoid spirituality for fear of losing their freedom or because of upsetting experiences. Some leaders can be too forceful or pushy. In their enthusiasm, many become insensitive to the feelings and sentiments of other young people.

During a program, I remember being at the back of a hall filled with young people. Leaders at the front encouraged the crowd to participate in an action song. One group eagerly joined in and enjoyed it, while many others watched in surprise. However, some of the youths were reluctant to perform the silly actions and protested by sitting out. An assertive leader at the front pointed at that group, made some comments, and, in an insistent tone, asked them to stand up and join the singing. Some of those youths complied and stood up, while three chose to walk out. I felt very upset. That unfortunate turn of events was unnecessary. The boys who left were, I am sure, deeply hurt. Even among those who remained, many were affected by the leader's behavior.

As I watched all of this, I thought to myself: poor kids! They are self-conscious and need time to overcome their inner struggles. For them, peer pressure is also quite strong. They are concerned about the impression they make on their friends. They do not want to be seen as obedient and pious kids but rather as strong and courageous young men. It is unfortunate that those who guided the program failed to understand and value all of this. It was insensitive for that leader to force the youth to obey blindly. It hurt him and upset his friends, and I am sure most other youths wouldn’t be happy to witness the scene. 

Pope Francis expresses it well. “Young people often fail to find responses to their concerns, needs, problems, and hurts in the usual structures. As adults, we find it hard to listen patiently to them, to appreciate their concerns and demands, and to speak to them in a language they can understand.” (Evangelii Gaudium, 105)

Not blaming, shaming, compulsion, or threats.

There can be a highly negative form of youth ministry and faith catechesis that focuses solely on one aspect or tendency of today’s youth: “They are all bad and deviant; somehow, we must make them good.” This perspective arises from an attitude of “I’m OK, and they’re completely not OK.” (Some of you may recognize here an echo of Thomas Harris’s 1967 book with a similar title.) The beauty and strength of the approach adopted by a movement like Jesus Youth lies in its positive and joyful stance of “I’m OK and You’re OK.” This perspective conveys a willingness to get to know and learn from one another while sharing something meaningful. Let’s celebrate joy together. Pope Francis emphasizes this as he continues the above-quoted passage: “The rise and growth of associations and movements mostly composed of young people can be seen as the work of the Holy Spirit, who blazes new trails to meet their expectations and their search for a deep spirituality and a more genuine sense of belonging.” 

Many homes are battlegrounds where parents attempt to exert control, but children resist. At their wit’s end, elders threaten dire consequences or employ various forms of shaming. Who will prevail in this tough struggle? Parents or children? Unfortunately, our parish or youth ministry forums also unwittingly adopt somewhat similar tactics. Many young people may choose to succumb to coercion and force, as they do not wish to be shamed in public. However, a rare few stand firm. Again, who will emerge victorious? No one wins in this conflict, whether at home or in the ministry setting. Instead, all are losers. 

Trust, accompany, and encourage

During my college days, a group of us would visit a very impoverished colony in my city every Sunday. There, we would divide into different areas or groups. I would sit with some young people and chat. Joy and Kochu excelled at engaging this group: joyfully welcoming, eager to get to know them, attentively listening, and heartily encouraging. I often marveled at their approach. These youth had never received such respect and attention in their lives, neither in their parish, home, nor workplace. What was its impact? For all of us, it was a journey of learning and growth, and for them, too, a time of reaching new heights. When I reflect on it, those were the ideal youth ministry days.

In Christus Vivit, Pope Francis discusses the Popular Youth Ministry. It is not overly rigid or structured but adopts a relational and grassroots approach. “Broader and more flexible, it goes out to those places where real young people are active and fosters the natural leadership qualities and the charisms sown by the Holy Spirit. It tries to avoid imposing obstacles, rules, controls, and obligatory structures on these young believers who are natural leaders in their neighborhoods and in other settings. We need only to accompany and encourage them, trusting a little more in the genius of the Holy Spirit, who acts as he wills.” (#230) This trusting approach in which all of us are OK will only bear rich fruit among today’s youth.

Topics:

Youth ministry

Accompaniment

Not Shaming or Blaming

Pushy, Control Spirituality